


Butter Words

by vogue91



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Marauders' Era, Not for real, Psychoanalysis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 16:47:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13745166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: "You... you consume yourself, going on, without allowing yourself to look back, forgetting in the morning what has happened the night before? Then I wasn’t wrong, Sirius, you don’t do it for them. You’re a bloody egoist.”





	Butter Words

_[Narcissus, butter words_

_they melt under the breath of passion]_

Sirius Black was a guy aware of what he wanted.

And even more, he was aware of what he did _not_ want.

What he wanted were freedom, carelessness, living as he pleased.

He didn’t want chains, the cage.

Sirius Black lived off of smiles stolen to all who passed the hallways and crossed his gaze, he lived of those moments when he almost felt omnipotent.

Sirius knew that all of this hid a less noble character, but it was that character that he left out of his existence, that showed itself in rare moments, at night, in whatever bed of whatever girl.

Full of himself, vain and terribly conceited, that’s what he was. He was the guy living at night among sheets, where nothing made sense anymore.

It was the first expression of his will to live, to consume himself to the bone, up to the point of being nothing but ash, blended with vivid memories.

And the senselessness of it all, he didn’t miss it.

As he couldn’t miss Lily’s words, mocking and condemning.

 

“Sirius, do you really think you’re giving an image worthy of yourself acting like this?” she told him one day, smiling.

They were sitting on the bleachers of the Quidditch’s field, watching lazily James training with the Gryffindors.

The boy had raised an eyebrow, confused.

“What are you talking about?” he answered, defensive. She smiled, shaking her head.

“Don’t get mad, really. I just mean that the number of girls crying on my shoulder keeps growing. They keep declaring some great love for you, and you are just having fun seducing and abandoning them. This isn’t helping the reputation you think you’re making for yourself.” the girl would’ve expected a fiery reaction, while all she got was a shrug.

“I don’t do it for the reputation Lily. I do it because it’s what I feel. I like being with all of them until I do, but the next morning nothing makes sense anymore. Because if I were to see them again the night after, all the words already said would cease being important, it’d be like melting them, like they had never existed. Then why shouldn’t I crystalize those moments, while they truly believe they’re doing something that matters?” he said, almost bored.

It took Lily some time to reply, thinking about Sirius’ words.

She _knew_ his reasoning was deeply wrong, yet she couldn’t find anything to rebut, to tell his he was mistaken, and that this kind of life would’ve brought him nothing good.

Sirius noticed it, and almost gloated for having been able to make the girl uncomfortable, she who usually had an answer to everything.

He patted her shoulder affectionately, laughing.

“Don’t take me too seriously, Lily. I promise I’ll try to be more tactful in the future, so there won’t be too many crying girls at your door.” he told her, grinning.

The discomfort was gone, and Lily felt free to puff and shake her head.

He was incredibly annoying and sometimes also shallow, but in that moment she liked that Sirius, the not too much complicated one.

 

~

 

_[Narcissus, butter words_

_they hide proverbial egoism in their intentions]_

He walked along the limitations of the Forest, without a goal. He didn’t feel like being alone, yet he didn’t want to spend his time with the same people, with those hypocritical and falsely admiring smiles.

He wanted something new, he wanted emotions.

“Black!” he recognised the voice calling his name out loud, and turned, satisfied.

“Evans.” he said, with the same tone, staring at the girl getting closer to him.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, angry. He chuckled.

“I could ask you the same thing.” he retorted, making her blush.

“James is trying to write a Potion paper with Remus and I had nothing to do.” she whispered, as feeling guilty. Sirius pretended to be shocked.

“Don’t tell me that our upstanding Head Girl likes to take a stroll into the Forbidden Forest in her free time! I’m astonished.” he mocked her, making her smile condescendingly.

“From time to time I forget about rules too, don’t think it’s only your and your friends’ prerogative.” she replied, innocent.

They walked together, without unbalancing the conversation too much, keeping it light. Only when they sat down to rest, the girl turned toward him, frowning.

“You know, I’ve thought about what you told me yesterday.” she started, her tone so plain that Sirius couldn’t help but smiling.

“And what conclusions have you reached?” he asked. She sighed, frustrated.

“That I don’t understand what you mean.” she complained. Sirius laughed out loud.

“Don’t worry. I don’t expect you to understand the mechanisms of my mind, I realize their too complicated.” he justified her. Then he took a deep breath, and went on. “I’ll try to put it in more practical terms, Lily: think about when you eat.” he stopped, smiling. “Well, at least think about when James and I eat. We fill our plate and go on and on until it’s empty, without getting tired or full. We don’t eat cause we need it, we eat out of _gluttony_. For a desire to eat. But, in the long run, we feel sick. We feel sick for a while, then we forget about it and start eating again.” he explained, and Lily turned up her nose.

“Let me get this straight: the plate would be a metaphor of your bed and the food are those poor innocent girls?” she asked, not too much convinced. Sirius laughed.

“You make it sound worse than it actually is.” he pointed out.

“No, it’s just like that. You... you _consume_ yourself, going on, without allowing yourself to look back, forgetting in the morning what has happened the night before? Then I wasn’t wrong, Sirius, you don’t do it for them. You’re a bloody egoist.” she accused him, without being too serious.

“Let’s say my intentions are egoist, yes. But it’s not at all true I forget in the morning. I just put it away, I never think about it, but I _know_ it’s there.” he sighed. “My problem, perhaps, is that I’ve never felt really sick.” he went back to the food analogy, but Lily stopped him.

“No, wait. Now I don’t understand you again.” he smiled, shaking his head.

“Okay, then you speak: what did you feel when you realized that James wasn’t who you thought he was?” he asked. Lily puffed, shrugging.

“When I’ll realize it, you’ll be the first to know.” she said, with a bitter tone that didn’t suit her.

“Come on, Lily! James has his flaws, but you can’t deny you love him, can you?” she averted her eyes, before answering.

“Yes. Yes, I do love him.” she muttered.

“Then answer my question.” he demanded, trying not to laugh for the girl’s reticence. Lily snorted, and still without looking him in the eyes, she answered.

“The thing that surprised me the most was that, after seven years spent studying magic, it was the first time I actually saw it. It was like everything was new, fresh. As if eternity was sculpted on us, as if it made us more than humans.” she had spoken as in a trance, while her mind went back to those moments. She blushed furiously when she realised what she had just said and to whom, but Sirius just smiled.

She was starting to believe that Sirius Black’s shallowness was but a façade, to show to the world to keep that status he cared so much for, that reputation of arrogance and lack of depth that amused him so much.

“It was exactly what I meant.” Sirius murmured, rapt by the girl’s words.

“But I still don’t understand.” she protested. “Try again with the food.” she added with a smile.

“Perfect. If you eat well, the moment you feel sick you still know it was worth it.” he started, but she stopped him right away.

“That depends.” he laughed, and gestured her to shut up.

“Let me finish. Had I felt the love you now feel for James, had I suffered for this love, I’d probably be a different person than the one I am now, and I’d act differently.” he explained. “So, if I’m egoist in the intentions, I’m not in the effects.” Lily opened her eyes wide, and stared at him.

“Okay, I get it. I don’t share your point of view, I couldn’t, but I get what you mean.” Sirius shrugged, as to take note of what she had just said.

“Don’t listen too much what I’ve just said. It was just to explain to you the way I act, but give the right importance to my words. If you apply them to others, they make no sense at all” he told her, with resignation.

All of a sudden he stood up, as taken by an incredible desire to move, and started going back to the school.

“You really are weird, Sirius Black.” was Lily’s only comment. She shook her head, but she was smiling.

They went back together, and they didn’t speak anymore. It was all already said.

 

_[Narcissus, sublime demeanour]_

Sirius Black knew how to do way too many things.

Among these, he was a master in the art of hiding himself.

He knew how to be sweet to get anything he desired, he knew how to be a braggart and he knew how to be reckless.

Sirius Black had a lot of faces, and that afternoon he had managed to almost show the real one.

And yet, as an unhealthy habit, he had lied.

He didn’t like what he did, at all.

While Lily talked, and got lost inside her memories, he dreamed of feeling something even vaguely similar to what she was describing.

Sirius Black was loved by everybody.

Only, he would’ve liked to have someone to love.


End file.
